5 Signs It's Time to Try Couples Therapy (and What to Expect)
Many couples wonder if their relationship problems are "bad enough" to warrant professional help. The truth is, you don't need to be on the brink of separation to benefit from couples therapy. In fact, seeking support before issues become entrenched often leads to better outcomes. Here are five clear signs it might be time to book that first session, plus what you can realistically expect from the process.
The Five Signs
1. You're Having the Same Arguments on Repeat
Do you find yourselves circling back to the same conflicts week after week? Perhaps it's about household responsibilities, spending habits, or how you spend your free time. The surface issue might vary, but underneath, you're stuck in a pattern where nothing gets resolved. One person brings up a concern, the other gets defensive, voices get raised (or someone shuts down), and you end up more frustrated than when you started.
This cycle happens because you're both trying to solve the wrong problem. What looks like an argument about dishes is often really about feeling unappreciated, unheard, or undervalued. Couples therapy helps identify these deeper needs and gives you tools to address them directly rather than fighting about the symptoms.
2. The Big Conversations Have Stopped Happening
When couples first notice problems, they often try talking things through. But after several difficult conversations that go nowhere, or worse, end in hurt feelings, many couples stop trying altogether. You might find yourselves discussing logistics (who's picking up the children, what's for dinner) but avoiding anything that feels emotionally charged.
This protective silence might feel peaceful, but it's often a sign that trust in your ability to navigate conflict together has eroded. You're not fighting, but you're also not connecting. If you're tiptoeing around topics that matter to you, it's worth exploring what's underneath that avoidance.
3. You Feel More Like Flatmates Than Partners
Living parallel lives is surprisingly common in long-term relationships. You manage the household efficiently, coordinate schedules, and perhaps even enjoy each other's company. But the intimacy, emotional, physical, or both, has faded. You might realise you know more about your partner's work projects than their hopes, fears, or dreams.
This flatmate dynamic often develops gradually as couples focus on external demands like careers, children, or caring for ageing parents. It's not necessarily anyone's fault, but it does signal that your relationship needs intentional attention to rediscover what drew you together originally.
4. Resentment is Building Faster Than Connection
Small irritations that you used to brush off now feel significant. Perhaps your partner's way of loading the dishwasher genuinely annoys you, or their social media habits feel disrespectful. When positive interactions become rare, these minor issues start carrying disproportionate weight.
Resentment is like relationship debt, it compounds over time. What starts as frustration about unequal division of labour can evolve into feeling fundamentally unseen or unappreciated. The earlier you address these building resentments, the easier they are to resolve.
5. One or Both of You is Questioning the Future
This is perhaps the most serious sign: when either partner starts wondering if they'd be happier apart. These thoughts might be fleeting or persistent, but they represent a significant shift from working on problems to questioning the entire relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, having these doubts doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Many couples successfully work through periods of uncertainty. However, it does mean the stakes are higher and professional support can be particularly valuable in helping you both gain clarity about your path forward.
What to Expect from Couples Therapy
The First Session: Assessment and Goal Setting
Your first session will focus on understanding your relationship history, current challenges, and what you hope to achieve. Most therapists will want to hear from both partners about their perspective on the problems and their goals for therapy. Don't worry about agreeing on everything - different viewpoints are normal and actually helpful for your therapist to understand.
You'll likely discuss practical matters too: how often to meet, what approach might work best for you as a couple, and any immediate concerns that need addressing. Many couples feel relief after this first session simply from being heard by a neutral professional.
Finding the Right Therapeutic Approach
Different couples benefit from different approaches. Some respond well to structured techniques that focus on communication skills and problem-solving strategies. Others need deeper exploration of individual patterns, family backgrounds, or attachment styles that affect the relationship.
At Heathwell, we have therapists with different specialities, including Psychosocial Therapy, infidelity recovery, communication difficulties, how cultural differences impact relationships, parenting challenges, co-parenting, blended family dynamics, throuples and polyamorous relationships, and couples experiencing major life transitions such as empty nest syndrome.
At Heathwell, our team of four therapists brings varied specialisations to couples work. This means we can match you with someone whose approach aligns with your specific needs and preferences. Some couples even benefit from seeing two different therapists, one for individual work alongside couples sessions.
The Timeline: Managing Expectations
Couples therapy isn't a quick fix, but you shouldn't have to wait months to see some improvement. Many couples notice shifts within the first few sessions, perhaps better understanding of each other's perspectives or small improvements in how you navigate disagreements.
For some couples, a single session can be surprisingly powerful. Single session therapy (SST) for couples focuses intensively on one specific issue or helps partners gain clarity about their next steps. This approach works particularly well when you're facing a specific decision, need help navigating a particular conflict, or want professional guidance about whether longer-term therapy would be beneficial. It's also useful for couples who've done previous therapy work and need a "tune-up" session.
Meaningful change typically takes several months of consistent work. Some couples find 12-16 sessions sufficient to address their concerns, while others benefit from longer-term support, especially if individual mental health issues, trauma, or long-standing patterns are involved.
Active Participation is Required
Unlike individual therapy, where you can sometimes benefit from simply talking through problems, couples therapy requires both partners to engage actively. This might involve trying new communication techniques between sessions, completing exercises together, or examining your own contributions to relationship patterns.
The most successful couples therapy happens when both partners take responsibility for their part in problems and show genuine curiosity about changing dynamics rather than simply trying to get their partner to change.
Recognising Progress
Progress in couples therapy doesn't always look like fewer arguments, sometimes it looks like fighting more skillfully. You'll know therapy is working when you start having those difficult conversations again but with less defensiveness and more genuine listening.
Other positive signs include increased empathy for each other's experiences, ability to repair after disagreements more quickly, and renewed interest in spending quality time together. Physical intimacy often improves too, though this typically follows rather than leads emotional reconnection.
When Therapy Helps You Part Ways
It's important to acknowledge that couples therapy doesn't always result in staying together. Sometimes the process helps partners realise they want different things or that their fundamental incompatibilities can't be resolved. When this happens, therapy can help couples separate with greater understanding, less bitterness, and better co-parenting arrangements if children are involved.
Taking the First Step
If you recognise your relationship in any of these signs, consider reaching out for an initial consultation. Many people worry they're "overreacting" or that their problems aren't serious enough for professional help. In our experience, couples who seek support earlier generally have better outcomes than those who wait until problems become entrenched.
Remember, seeking couples therapy is a sign of commitment to your relationship, not an admission of failure. It takes courage to examine your patterns together and work toward positive change. Whether you've been together for one year or twenty, investing in professional support for your relationship can be one of the most valuable decisions you make together.
If you're ready to explore couples therapy, the team at Heathwell is here to help. We offer couples therapy, both online and also from our clinic rooms in Blackheath Village, with easy access from Lewisham, Greenwich, and Southeast and Central London. Contact us to discuss which of our therapists might be the best fit for your unique situation and relationship goals.
